no more hiding, i'm out here.

I've always been known as the weird guy,
even when i was a kid, i would just dry hump some bushes,
and the other kids would like at me and say i was weird.
or walked around naked with only a towel on my head,
and pretend i was a woman, and again, i would be called weird.

and it kept going, when i went to high school,
i mostly tagged along with the girls, and i would be called 'faggot' or 'gay', or just 'weirdo' or 'freak',
and those words always hurted so much,
and eventually i couldn't take it anymore, and i changed schools.

at the second school, things seemed better, people called me less 'faggot' or somehing like that, but they still did,
because i still tagged along with the girls in classes or in the breaks,
and sometimes i would defend myself, and i would yell at them,
but they would just laugh even harder, and it begun to hurt more and more,
until i got into a depression, and things got so much worse, i felt worse, and i looked down on myself, and always said to myself "you're a nobody, you are a freak" and i would believe myself,
and nobody noticed i felt worse, and i just kept on going with hating myself,
but then, my parents noticed, and some changes were made and i got better, for a while.

Things got a little better, i passed my years, and then i started to like rock music, and listen to it even more and more,
and my clothing style changed to rock, or at least, that's what i thought, but i started to dress the way i felt,
but i started to notice some changes in the way i felt about love, i noticed a change in my sexuality,
and i got all confused, but i ignored it and just lived my life.

I passes my year, and i met someone, a guy, and i had feelings for him, and i was ready, to come out, and i did, and things majorly changed then, and not in the good way,
people gossiped, my family overreacted, i got used, and i started to feel worse and worse again, and i got into another depression,
and i went to a shrink, and talked about my feelings.

And then, i saw her, the woman that changed my life, the woman that inspired me, the woman that made me realize, the woman that forced me to look at myself in the mirror, and to keep looking until i was happy with what i saw.

Things got much better, my life was on track again, i knew who i was again.
and sometimes i had some big ups and some big downs, but i never gave up. sure, sometimes i wanted to give up so badly because i was still the freak, i was still the weirdo, i was definitely the faggot, and it hurted, and it was a challenge to be at school every day, but she gave me hope, and she inspired me,
and whatever happened, i listened to her, and she would cheer me up, i would feel powerful again, i would feel whole again,
and i am in love with that woman, i would do everything for her, i gave myself a new purpose:

i am here to live a life, to live my life. i am here to help others, to inspire others. i am here to express myself, because i am human too. i feel attracted to men and women, and i don't label myself, i have an open mind. i am here to stay, i will not hide anymore, i am out here, and you will have to live with it, i am a monster.

thank you lady gaga,

a change

hellooo,

so it took me a couple of days post something new,
because i haven't had time to post anything,
but sunday is a rest day, so a post day :)

i have been feeling a lot of things lately,
romance, fear, confusion, self-consciousness,
and it's been a lot to progress, but i had some help.

feeling romance again felt very good,
at first i was very afraid, to open up my heart,
because i closed up my heart for a year,
so opening up again, was, like i said, very scary,
but i managed to succeed, and it felt good,
but i had to make some choices, which left me in confusion,
and i don't get really confused very fast, so when i do,
it's some serious shit too, but also managed to lift the confusion,
and i decided that i should go for the romance,
because i think, if it all works out, it could be very beautiful.

i also kinda lost my mojo last summer,
because last year, every day at school was a challenge,
and without the challenges i had last summer,
i lost my mojo, but today is the last say of summer vacation,
and tomorrow school starts again, but i'll manage i think,
because i had some help and inspiration of some people,
and i got more confident again,

but one thing that always does bug me, is that most people
are afraid of the unknown, and judge what they don't know,
because of their fear, while i am somebody who doesn't judge
the unknown and goes looking for it and exploring it,
but maybe it's my job to enlighten those people, and show them
that their fear is unnecessary, and that it's all okay,
well, i'll go try that out, and see what it all brings me,

xo; R.

someone like you,

"I've been roaming around,

always looking down at all I see,

painted faces fill the place I can't reach,

You know that I could use somebody like you,

Someone like you,

and all you know and all you speak,

countless lovers undercover of the street,

I'm ready now, I could use somebody like you,"

Kings of Leon, Use Somebody, a beautiful song, and a song which makes me think. I posted a picture of a lovebug, I made the picture myself, Because one time, there was this lovebug walking on my floor, And I thought it was so beautiful, and what is symbolizes too, Love, Something I haven't had for a long time now, something I do want though, And I'm ready, but that doesn't mean I'll get it, I guess I'll just have to wait patiently until it comes around?

I don't know, I'll just see,

xo; R.

freedom

goodevening (:

today i want to talk about freedom,
because i am at my best friend's place right now,
and it's really really nice,
she moved out because she's going to college,
and everything seems just perfect,

she can go out whenever she wants,
come home whenever she wants,
eat whatever she wants, basically,
she can do what she wants to, when she feels like it.

and that seems like heaven to me,
and it makes me wanna move out too a little,
but i'm mostly scared of having no discipline,
because i'm a lazy and chaotic person,
so it'll be a great task for me,
but i'll succeed right? or not?
well, i'll see when the time arrives,
for now, i'm going to pass my senior year and graduate!

xo; R.

The Dawn in the Dusk.

hello there!

i just redid my blog, and gave it a good make-over,
and even a very new name,
'The Dawn in the Dusk'
because i neglected my blog, and i felt like expressing myself again,
because i haven't being doing that very much lately,
so blogging it is,

it's been a year since i signed up for blogspot,
i posted one blog, and i was gone again,
i don't know why, but i don't care either,
because that was in the past, and i live in the present,
even though i don't think there is a present,
because, as i am typing right now, a second passed by,
and another one came and passed by too,
so 'present' is really more something we humans made up,
don't you think?

well, anyway,
i hope i'll keep blogging and expressing myself,
and it may not even be writted,
it could be a picture too,
it depends on how i feel that moment,

xo; R.